The word “assertive” is thrown around a lot in the world. A lot of the time it’s associated with being dictator-like or forceful. Not that those characteristics are necessarily bad things, but it’s not quite how most people want to make a first impression.

News flash: "Assertive (adjective) - Confidently aggressive or self-assured; direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views."

Now that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I discovered this summer that being assertive and confident around people for the first time can really benefit you later as you start getting closer with them.

After I left GLI in July, the next thing on my summer agenda was going to California to visit my boyfriend and his family for a week and a half. As you would expect, I was slightly nervous and a little self-conscious about what they might think of me (I did just dye my hair red and all...). Before I got there, my boyfriend told me that there was no reason to be nervous and that I should just be myself.

I thought about this for a while. See, “being yourself” is another loosely used term. Anyone can say it, but then when you start spastically dancing and telling what you thought were some killer knock-knock jokes, you tend to get some iffy looks. So, I contemplated whether “being myself” meant be sweet-and-nice-and-polite or if it really meant I could release a bit of my Real Girl. Of course, after spending two weeks at GLI, I decided to go with the latter.

That’s not as easy as it sounds. At GLI this summer, we learned a lot about asking for what you need—whether that is in a relationship, in an uncomfortable situation, or in a sandwich. I intended to pass up the Good Girl option of “do you think, um, maybe, I could possibly have a teensy piece of that cheese, if you don’t mind perhaps?” in favor of the confident Real Girl option: “I’d like some cheese.”

When I got to California, I decided to experiment with being assertive in a bunch of situations. For example, instead of waiting for my boyfriend to introduce me to his many relatives, I’d go up and proudly introduce myself, or even spark up a conversation. Or, after a week of being with all of them, when they all wanted to go on a walk I said, “Actually, I think I want to stay here and read for a while."

It felt pretty weird at first. It felt like I was taking multiple layers off of the typical Good Girl sentence, and then putting out this bare, vulnerable Real Girl statement. I thought maybe I was giving off the impression that I was too confident. But then I realized there’s not really such a thing as “too confident."

All in all, the trip went great and, after a while, it felt good to be assertive. Like with all GLI tools, you begin to notice a change in the way people treat you and look up to you. So the moral of my story is, ask for cheese like you mean it.