I often get told that I take things “too personally.” When I get upset if my friends joke about how I look, I’m taking things too personally. If I speak up about something that my friends have done that has bothered me, whether minor or more significant, I am taking things too personally. When I stand up for myself and question my friends’ actions, they immediately go on the defensive. I am the one who is too sensitive. I am the one who is wrong.

I've noticed, however, that it is alright for me to complain about others’ actions or words if I do it behind their backs. I can go on and on about how upset I am about something someone has done, as long as I don’t say it to that person's face because they “didn’t intend to offend me.” Clearly, I took it the wrong way.

When did gossiping and complaining replace positive, direct communication in my high school, among my group of friends? When did it become okay to gripe to everyone else, but not to speak up to the one person who really needs to hear it?

I admit, I don’t enjoy confrontation. I don’t like picking fights. When I do, I tend to feel totally guilty afterwards and I even attempt to pretend that the fight never happened. Since coming home from the GLI summer program, however, I have finally realized that talking about people behind their backs does not get me anywhere. In fact, it tends to make matters worse. I've learned that the most effective way to enact change in my relationships is to communicate honestly and directly.

Even though I know this rationally, I am still not a pro at confrontation. I am practicing speaking up more frequently, no matter how seemingly trivial the subject matter. Perhaps this new habit won’t change what my friends say to me, but at least it makes me feel a little bit more confident about myself and more in control of my emotions.

My habit of speaking up might come off as taking things “too personally.” But if certain things bother me, don’t I have the right to say something? It's not my job to know whether or not my friend really meant that "just kidding" comment, if she meant to be hurtful, or if she's just have a bad day. When a friend's joking remark is hurtful to me, I'm giving myself permission to speak up. No, I don't expect my friends to censor their language all the time (and I wouldn't want them to). And, yes, I have bad days and might hurt someone with what I say, too. But if I don't speak up when someone hurts me, how will my friends ever know how I feel? How will any of us ever change these bad habits? So, I will continue to tell my friends how I feel. Maybe after a while they'll even do the same. If we can't admit our feelings to our friends, the people who mean so much to us, we're not going to get very far.

Photo credit goes to motherwarxx.